There is no easy way.

Today I attended a funeral. Sitting in the church I acknowledged that there is no easy way to grieve. No way to instantly get over it, no way to say just the right thing, snap your fingers, click your heals, feel better... And it SUCKS!

As mom I want my kids to never feel pain or loss. But the truth is that I have to teach them how to deal with that too. To neglect teaching them how to grieve would be to set them up to be crippled by it later in life. Everybody dies. It is the only truth that everyone must face regardless of background.  And I wish I could make it so my children would never feel that pain but it is not possible so instead I need to teach them how to survive and thrive after loss...

I don't know if I have done it well. I don't even know if I have handled the grief well myself.  My father in law passed away 2 years ago. It was especially hard on my then 9 year old. I talked to him about being sad. Told him it was ok to cry and then we talked about happy memories of his grandfather. I asked if he would like to write him a letter that he could put in the casket with his grandfather. Never have I  read a more poignant letter in my life. I was so proud of my son for being able to express himself so well. The letter was placed in my father in law's pocket. We often talk about grandpa even though it was painful at first.  I believe it is best not to avoid the subject of the deceased.  Being open to talking about it and bringing the subject up helps us to heal just a little. When some one dies you need to look the situation straight in the eye and tell it "YOU SUCK!" Cry, laugh, ...dance naked in the moonlight if it helps. Just don't avoid it. The pain reminds you how sweet life can be.

However you do it, be sure to teach your kids the the sucky stuff happens but we get past it. It is okay to grieve.  And it is okay to be happy again.


Hope this helps,
The Idea mom.

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Kids daily exercise habits and the myth of child safety being less today than when we were kids.

Most Kids Today Don’t Get Enough Daily Exercise. “About three out of four children ages 5 to 10 get less than one hour of physical activity daily, according to a new survey. Why? Find out here (Article Here)

I remember as a kid, growing-up in La Habra Heights, my brother and I would get home from school by 3:00pm. And after a quick snack we wouldn’t step foot back in the house until my dad would call us in for dinner; then back out until it got dark - 4 hours of outside play each day. Why are parents, today, not allowing their kids to do what we did as kids?

Response I got from posting the above on Facebook – “Agreed, but as a mother of a little girl, I think part of the problem is the increasing fear of predators and not wanting to allow your child to play outside without adult supervision. Parents just need to buck up and participate outdoors with their kids. After all, it's a win-win situation; exercise, time spent together, natural vitamin D, etc....”

In actual fact, we and our children are safer today than in the past. The reason for the above fear is not based in actual fact but on this point: 40 years ago we mainly heard about local news and the occasional national and international news. We seldom heard about the rare abduction in say, Missoula, Montana or Laramie, Wyoming.  There was no need to pass that information along, outside the area of concern.

Today though, news is all about sensationalism, scandal, and the promoting of fear and terror in the populace. Now, instead of hearing about the rare, local kidnapping or murder we hear about every murder, rape and kidnapping and potential terrorist threat in the country. This constant media attack makes it appear as though these events are an ever increasing phenomenon and that it’s occurring around every corner. This newly instilled fear is exactly the planned, end-phenomenon, which the powers-that-be want ingrained into our every cell.

Well, I call BS and will never become the effect of any type of media propaganda – from the Right-Left or Center. My daughter, like I was, will be educated in common sense (street-smarts), to not speak to strangers and be observant of her surroundings for possible dangerous situations. I want my daughter to be prepared - head held high, not scared -head buried in the sand.
 

Stop worrying so much about your children, there are bigger issues to be concerned with - your weight, our own government, retirement, our food...!

Kids today are just as safe as they were in the '70s, says "Free-Range Kids" author Lenore Skenazy, and what's really distressing is an alarmist culture that refuses to let them grow up. (Free-Range Kids - Salon Article Here)

Article provided by Dr Marcus Ettinger  http://www.advancedhealing.com/

Can't Help But Wonder...

As a mother... these are words I find myself saying over and over.... "I can't help but wonder" .. as I talk to my friends, my peers and the women that I have emulated. "I can't help but wonder"... is there something I'm not doing right? Did I give them enough love? Did I hug them enough? Did I give them the right vitamins? Was I too hard on them? Was I too easy on them? Ugh... the list can go ON AND ON AND ON... 

Then the day comes... the day we all dread - the day they "grow up". Now this doesn't have to be a 'fully grow up thing'... this can mean any part of growing up... 

Whether it's taking the bottle away, leaving them with a sitter for the first time, sending them off to day care, sending them off to swim lessons, sending them off to kindergarten, first grade, middle school, to hang out their friends, high school, first day of work, driving permits, the big '18'. (sigh)... Every one of these and so many others spark brand new "I can't help but wonders" in a mothers mind... the job of a mother has a billion "how to books" and articles (including this one... haha) all stating different opinions, some from what they've learned through education and some from what they've learned from experience. I get nauseous trying to follow all of the do's and don'ts they offer. Too much this, too little that. In the 70's, the 80's and the 90's the do's and don'ts changed significantly from what my mother was told to do and what they decided was good for the kids when I became a mom at 20. 

When I was a kid... we got spanked, by mom, by dad, by the principle... spanked. Then as I grew up and had kids of my own, they said we shouldn't spank... time outs only. Spare the rod spoil the child... I heard that constantly as a kid growing up... "Spare the rod spoil the child"... God forbid we spoil the child by sparing the rod... yet, the rod has significantly changed forms over the years.  

I think what I've found to work is consistency. Maybe the rod they are actually speaking of is consistency? Something that is firm and reliable. Letting our little mini-me's learn what to trust. Giving them firm ground rules to live by and then allowing them to grow into their own. I have often said I feel like I am the bumper pads... you know, like bowling. My children are the bowling balls tearing down the alley hoping for a strike, I am the bumper pads as well as the bowler. It's what happens after it goes into that little area where they separate the pins from the ball that I worry about. Yes, I really said that. 

Anyway, as I said earlier, I can't help but wonder each time my children enter a new phase of their lives whether or not I have done my job as a mother. I've given them rules, taught them right from wrong, and I can only hope as they move towards independence, that I have done my job. 

 I will say this, it never has felt like I've done it right EVERY TIME. I've always worried about what I may have missed. One thing is certain, I have ALWAYS DONE MY BEST. Some days my best is REALLY GOOD - you know, like a baseball player, I have ALWAYS tried to hit the ball out of the park, but some days it's HOME RUN.... and other days, I feel like I have struck out. Always a learning lesson... always adjusting to do better next time. But always, always doing my best that day. 

I can't help but wonder, is there anyone who is a perfect mother? If so... can I have your autograph? 

Little Miss Franki Doll AKA "Alt Mom"

Franki Doll & The Broken Toys

www.myspace.com/frankidoll

Franki Doll And The Broken Toys Fansite

"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking,

so that others will feel comfortable around you!"

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The Games Mommys Play

I am a mom of two boys. Little boys are like monkeys on speed. I love my boys and they are good boys but sitting still is not one of their many talents. So I devised several games that I could play with them to keep them from making me crazy at the grocery store, the doctor, dentist, and on road trips.

These are some of those games:

THE COUPON GAME


Like many of you I use coupons to make my dollar stretch as far as possible. When the boys are with me I hand them each a coupon for something on the isle I am on, their job is to find the item and bring it back before their brother. The winner gets a mom coin. More about mom coins later. This game keeps them moving in a productive manner and keeps me from becoming a crazed woman yelling at them to stop what ever mischief they have gotten into because they were bored. Boys can't be allowed to get bored it is too DANGEROUS. Bored boys climb shelves in grocery stores, play catch with grapefruit and see who can hide the longest from mom.

FARMER BROWN


Farmer Brown is a game I designed to help my boys figure out what they needed for a task. Again also designed to keep them from getting bored in Doctors and Dentists rooms where punching and crying can occur without provocation. Farmer Brown is going on a trip or going to build something. The kids take turns telling you something that Farmer Brown needs in order to "go camping" or "build a swimming pool". Each child must come  up with an item that no one else has used already in the game. This game can go on for hours but I warn you sometimes if you play too long the answers get really silly.

THE LICENSE PLATE GAME



I am sure you are familiar with the license plate game. Each child looks out a different window in the car and calls out the name of the state he or she sees on a car. It must be a license plate from a state other than the one you are driving in. There is a twist on this game that you can play with older children. The twist is that they must name the state AND the capital of that state. Fifth graders in California are required to learn all the states and their capitals so it can be a great head start for your kids.

MOM COINS

I was on a road trip with my boys on summer and they had been particularly active. So I devised a system where they would be instantly rewarded for "good" behavior, and I could punish them for "bad" behavior with out resorting to trying to hit them while I drove or threating to "pull over".

That system is mom coins. I bought some poker chips and when ever the boys said please or thank you they got a coin. If they were punching each other or yelling or not doing as I asked they gave a coin to me. WHen we would stop for gas they could use their coins to get something, a piece of candy etc. This worked so well we kept it up even at home and now have have REALLY polite young men.

If you have some games that are fun that you would like to share please do so.

Remember together we are the REAL ARMY OF MOMS

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