When you become the parent.

Agent Daddy Again pinch hitting for the "MOM" When asked to do this again, I was somewhat perplexed on what to write. So, I decided to write about something that was near and dear to my heart...my MOM. After 50 years as a couple, my father passed away in 2007 from complications of a stroke he suffered two years earlier. PLEASE, SMOKING & A POOR DIET will add up to no good in the long run, so please be careful, but I digress.

Having to deal with the aftermath, I soon realized  that my mother was no longer my mother, but an irresponsible seventeen-year old girl in the body of a 67 year old women, with financial resources. In the movie, "As Good As It Gets" Jack Nicholson's character plays a very successful but neurotic writer. He was asked in the movie by a female fan, "How do you write women so well?" His response, "I think of a man, and I remove reason and accountability."  A funny line if you're a guy, but not so funny if your living it.

Being the only child (in a Catholic Family, that's already odd) , the responsibility fell on me... "Honor your Mother and your Father" After seeing my mother in action, or lack there of in the day to day operations of the house, I did not realize how much my late father did for my mother.

Throughout my childhood, I saw MOM write the checks to pay the bills. This led me to believe, erroneously, that she was responsible and could manage finances. Dealing with my now widowed mother I now see that is "ALL" my father would let her do, because money to her is like shoes to Imelda Marcos, water to a water park, a bag of M&M's at the M&M Store, there will always be more.

The hardest with her is the strange logic that I have to address, like "I went to the casino to get more money," On multiple occasions, I would have to explain to her, after she lost THOUSANDS of dollars, that Casino's are not  ATM's . They are  known for taking money,not giving it.

Another instance is when she bought a newer car, her first without my father. Weeks later she calls me in a snit and is insisting that her car is broken, and she wants to return it, because it now won't start. Knowing that it was given a full multi-point inspection and a new battery when she bought it, I tried it my self, and it started right away. This repeats again a week later. I do the same and it starts. Perplexed my mother asked me what I was doing. I showed her. With a look of amazement, she asked, "Do you really have to push the gas pedal every time you turn the key?" She has been driving for over 40 years and she is JUST figuring this out?

I could go on, but I think you get the gist. I do not want to embarrass my mother, though I doubt she would ever read this. My wife was trying to explain pull down menus and point & click to her. Her job is going completely paperless, and Mamalicious was trying to get her comfortable with computers before her classes started. Computers already scar the crap out of her, but she doesn't have a choice any longer to not learn. Forgive me for sounding sexist, but she says to me "I might break my nails" When my wife suggested that she could cut them to a more manageable length she looked horrified and asked me "Do I really have to cut them down?" I assured her that she would be fine if she cut her nails.

Thanks to my late father's example, I am being the dutiful son, but with ever expanding gray hairs.So remember, sometimes your other child, not the one you brought home from the hospital, but the one who brought you home, is just as much trouble. But what are you going to do, it's MOM.

The Power of Boob's

I remember the first time I realized that my boob's had special power. I was twelve and had a pair of C cup size breasts. My family with our 20 pieces of luggage had just landed in Malaysia and was trying to secure a taxi to take us to the hotel. As a group we where having no luck what so ever. So my mom grabbed one suitcase and my hand and moved me about 20 feet away from all of them and told me to hail a taxi. I waved my hand in the air at the first taxi to drive up and he stopped, got out of the taxi and grabbed my suitcase and started loading it in the back. While he was occupied my father walked up with the family and the rest of the luggage in tow and the now unhappy taxi driver wrangled another taxi to follow us with our luggage.

I am now 44 and for over 30 years I have used the magic of my boobs to get men to carry heavy objects, open doors, buy drinks, and volunteer to help me move. I have never felt guilty about this. Figuring that God gives us each special talents and that it would be sinful to not use them. Then I had boys. As my oldest enter puberty I begin to feel as if I should warn him of the power of the boob. That I should explain that if you look directly at them they can mesmerize you and make you do things you would normally not volunteer for. Should I explain that the girl is really only interested in having you carry the heavy box to her car. And that by doing so she will not fall in love with you? That the feeling that you have is only an illusion created by the  power of the boob?

But then I am afraid that if I tell him these things that it may be breaking an unspoken code of the boob. And that by breaking the code I shall be cursed with saggy boobs that have lost their power. And I wonder if I am willing to give up that power knowing that my son may not even listen to my advice. I could lose my power and he STILL might look at them on some girl and be mesmerized. SO Now I would be powerless and so would he. And what good would that really do? And If I can no longer wield my power then I might have to start carrying heavy objects. That would not be good at ALL.

So in the end I think that I shall retain my power and hope that his father warns him of the dangers of looking straight into the mesmerizing power of the boob. Really it should be his job anyway.

Here's Mommy!

So many times I hear new mothers say, “Well, I’d be a fabulous looking mom if I had money and a beauty team like all those celebrity mom’s,”  But fact of the matter is, a lot of those celebrity moms out there, are just like all the other new moms.  They tend to lean towards comfort over fashion forward.  So after consulting my team of fashionisa mothers, I found 3 easy tips on how to make the “I have no time to get ready” outfit into the “I’m just trying to look chic and casual” outfit.

   1.       Now you’ve always heard me say.  Pre plan, pre plan, pre plan.  I’m sure I’ve hammered this point home.  But another great tip is go for comfort!  Nothing worse then a new mother fidgeting with her outfit because she’s trying to manage a two year old while wearing kitty heels and a high waisted skirt.  A loose flowing cotton tank top with some skinny jeans and a wedge or flat is more then enough to do the trick.  Take a look at Jessica Alba!

 

2.      As a new mother you don’t need a full face of make up, just look how bare Heidi Klum's face is, she has just a touch of blush.  Your main focus should actually be keeping your skin healthy.  Moisturizers, cleansers and enough sleep will keep your face glowing.  I always recommend picking up a container of Kiehl’s Clay Mask.  And enjoy a 15 minute clay mask break.  It does wonder for your pores and skin.  An overnight treatment would also be great too.  This eliminates the stress of having to apply make up in the morning, giving you extra time to do other things that need to get done.

  3.      Last but not least have a “Mommy moment”  whether its treating yourself to an at home mani/pedi or having a 15 minute massage!  If you FEEL  good then you will LOOK good.  Or even just a fun relaxing play date with the kids like Gwenyth Paltrow.

So new mothers, I hope you enjoyed reading this, and remember, Stay Fabulous!

Logic & Reason

Agent Daddy here...I am pinch-hitting tonight for Mom, because her eyes are redder than a Maine Lobster, and vision is all important when writing a blog to be read. When both boys were younger, logic and reason were missing from their day to day activities. This being the case, if simply telling them what to do or not to do did not work, small forms of corporal punishment were the order of the day; the quick slapping of the hand; the occasional wallop on the behind in varying degrees, and my favorite, the VULCAN Neck Pinch. This did not cause a loss of consciousness, but had the same effect of stopping them in their tracks. This I learned in the police academy. It is more commonly known as "pain compliance." As they got older, I made a conscious and systematic effort to go away from corporal punishment and attempted to appeal to their logic & reason, which I hoped would help stimulate their cognitive skills. I attempted to point out the absurdity of their question in another question form, or to simply point out the obvious absurdity based upon their life experience to date,such as:

"When is it a good idea ever to strangle your brother?"
"Does flushing the toilet require a manual?"

"NO, we can't go Australian Style Fishing" (Hand-grenades in the water and a net in lieu of a fishing pole), They are NEVER allowed to watch Crocodile Dundee again.
"NO, daddy just can't arrest people because of their political affiliation"
"When is wearing the same underwear for three days in row, ever a good idea?"
"Yes, people like you better when you bathe everyday and NO, swimming does not equal bathing"

And my personal catch all...."REALLY GUYS?" This applies to anything and everything.You get the gist. But now, since logic & reason are slowly creeping into their little boy brains, occasionally they turn the tide on you.

"Dad, why do we wash the dishes, before we put them into the dishwasher?"
"Mom, why can't I wear my school clothes to bed, I will get ready faster in the morning like you want?"
"If, soda is so bad for you, why do still drink Diet Pepsi?"
"Why do you get a doughnut at night and I cant?"
"Technically Dad, I can't walk slower than a snail, because snails have no legs"
"Why does the government spend money they don't have, we can't?"

I don't know whether to be troubled, because now I actually have to defend my actions or state my reasons and it forces me to be ever vigilant.  Even though I may want to crawl into bed a sleep all day at that moment. Or whether to be proud, because they see a situation or set of facts and they try to think it through to a logical conclusion or solution, or see the absurdity of it. All I can say, I am glad I have boys and not girls. The thought for the day. "Be careful what you ask for, it may be used against you."  

Agent Daddy
 

 
   

Chocolate NEVER lies!

It's funny if you ask 100 women if they like chocolate, 95 of them will say yes. If you ask them if chocolate likes them you will get 120 different answers for those same 100 women. We seem to have a love hate relationship with chocolate. I know that biologically chocolate stimulates the same reaction in us that being in love does. I know that at certain times I seem to LOVE chocolate more than at others. But the truth is that chocolate is not something that I should eat all day every day everyday like fruit and veggies. I kind of think that is a cruel joke. Why can't broccoli be as enticing as chocolate?

Chocolate comes is pretty little wrappers. Dove chocolates have wonderful little affirmations written on the inside.  I have to say that this was pure genius on their parts. A man might make you feel all warm and wonderful like chocolate but Chocolate would NEVER lie to you. Chocolate would never cheat on you with your best friend. An now Chocolate can whisper sweet nothings in your ear..or at least at your eyeballs. And now they tell me that Dark Chocolate is actually good for you. SO how come it makes my ass fat and my tummy round? Why can't my wonderful loving Chocolate make me skinny?

A close friend of mine always says " All things in moderation...including moderation." I always took this to meant that he understood about chocolate. How can you LOVE in small measure? How can you only be with your beloved once a week or even, *gasp* dare I say it, only on holidays? My love is not containable. Why can I not love carrots with the same ferocity that I love my chocolate?

Agent Daddy once asked " Why do women love shoes so much?" I told him "Because shoes never tell you you have gained too much weight and I am now not going to zip/snap/button. Shoes an hand bags don't let us down like our favorite jeans can." So wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if we could have all the chocolate our hearts desired and NEVER have to put on the "fat jeans"? Why isn't someone campaigning on that platform? Why are our Universities not trying to solve that problem?

Just saying

Because I LOVE You

Why do I flush your toilet when you forgot?
Why do I pick up your dirty socks, wash your clothes, clean the house, go grocery shopping, make dinner?
Why do you have to do chores, clean your room, put your clean clothes away after I washed them?
Why do I call your teachers, go to parent teacher conferences, drive you to your activities and make you go to church on Sunday?
Why do I ask if you washed your hands, brushed your teeth, changed your under wear?
Why did I suffer though swollen ankles, heart burn, and sleepless nights?

I ask my kids these questions all the time. And they always know the answer. I also ask them every day " Have I told you that I love you today?"

Sometimes it is just really important to remember what really is important.

Just saying

For Goodness Sake WASH YOUR HANDS!

Many years ago I was at a convention for work and I noticed that my superior, a man, shook hands with some people and did the fist bump thing with others. I questioned him about this and was told " I fist bump the men I have observed not washing their hands after using the restroom." I immediately wanted to vomit. I started racking my brain to remember who he had fist bumped so that I could be sure NEVER to shake that persons hand. I went to the restroom and washed my hands just because I was unsure of whose hand I had shaken. It was then that I started carrying hand sanitizer so that after shaking a bunch of peoples hands I could "clean up". It so grossed me out that 8 years later I am still sickened by it and have not gotten over my fear that I will shake hands with an unwashed person.

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I am CONSTANTLY asking the boys "Did you Flush? Did you wash your hands?" I assumed that this was the case with all mothers and that at some point the good lessons would sink in and they would begin to do these things on their own. That is until I was listening to talk radio on the way home from dropping the kids off. The radio personality admitted on the air that he only washes his hands if someone is watching. Now I am a huge fan of this personality but I will NEVER shake his hand after hearing that. I am so shocked and disgusted by this that I will now assume that ALL men do NOT wash their hands after going to the restroom.

What is wrong with people? DO they not know that they can get REALLY sick from not washing and then eating? Or touching their own face? Am I the only mother out there insisting on the hand washing thing? Or have I gone over to the OCD side on this issue? I seriously do not wash my hands 25 times a day. but I do wash them EVERYTIME I use the restroom, or cook with chicken, or sneeze into them. I think I will start asking random people whom I see leaving the restroom, " Did you wash your hands?" Maybe I can start a movement. The CLEAN HANDS Society. If your hands aren't clean how can we trust the rest of you is? What other body parts are you not washing? If you only wash your hands when someone is watching, then what other not so savory things are you doing in private when you think no one is looking?

Luck of the Irish!

     Since St. Patricks day is right around the corner, and it has everything to do with fashion and why everyone is wearing green clothes, I decided to do some research as to way we wear it!  Here's what I found!

Saint Patrick

Little is known of Patrick's early life, though it is known that he was born in Roman Britain in the 4th century, into a wealthy Romano-British family. His father and grandfather were deacons in the Church. At the age of sixteen, he was kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave. It is believed he was held somewhere on the west coast of Ireland, possibly Mayo, but the exact location is unknown. According to his Confession, he was told by God in a dream to flee from captivity to the coast, where he would board a ship and return to Britain. Upon returning, he quickly joined the Church in Auxerre in Gaul and studied to be a priest.

In 432, he again said that he was called back to Ireland, though as a bishop, to Christianise the Irish from their native polytheism. Irish folklore tells that one of his teaching methods included using the shamrock to explain the Christian doctrine of the Trinity to the Irish people. After nearly thirty years of evangelism, he died on 17 March 461, and according to tradition, was buried at Downpatrick. Although there were other more successful missions to Ireland from Rome, Patrick endured as the principal champion of Irish Christianity and is held in esteem in the Roman Catholicism/Irish Church.

Wearing of the green

Originally, the colour associated with Saint Patrick was blue. Over the years the colour green and its association with Saint Patrick's day grew. Green ribbons and shamrocks were worn in celebration of St Patrick's Day as early as the 17th century Saint Patrick is said to have used the shamrock, a three-leaved plant, to explain the Holy Trinity to the pagan Irish, and the wearing and display of shamrocks and shamrock-inspired designs have become a ubiquitous feature of the day. In the 1798 rebellion, to make a political statement, Irish soldiers wore full green uniforms on 17 March in hopes of catching public attention.  The phrase "the wearing of the green", meaning to wear a shamrock on one's clothing, derives from a song of the same name.

In every year since 1991, March has been proclaimed Irish-American Heritage Month by the US Congress or President due to the date of St. Patrick's Day. Christian denominations in the United States observing this feast day include the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, Protestant Episcopal Church, and the Roman Catholic Church. Today, Saint Patrick's Day is widely celebrated in America by Irish and non-Irish alike.  For most Irish-Americans, this holiday is both religious and festive.[9] It is one of the leading days for consumption of alcohol in the United States, as individuals are allowed to break their Lenten sacrifices for the day in order to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. Many people choose to wear green coloured clothing and items. Traditionally, those who are caught not wearing green are pinched affectionately.

Seattle and other cities paint the traffic stripe of their parade routes green. Chicago dyes its river green and has done so since 1962 when sewer workers used green dye to check for sewer discharges and had the idea to turn the river green for Saint Patrick's Day. Originally 100 pounds of vegetable dye was used to turn the river green for a whole week but now only forty pounds of dye is used and the colour only lasts for several hours.   Indianapolis also dyes its main canal green. Savannah dyes its downtown city fountains green. Missouri University of Science and Technology - St Pat's Board Alumni paint 12 city blocks kelly green with mops before the annual parade.[citation needed] In Jamestown, New York, the Chadakoin River (a small tributary that connects Conewango Creek with its source at Chautauqua Lake) is dyed green each year.

Columbia, South Carolina dyes its fountain green in the area known as Five Points (a popular collegiate location near the University of South Carolina). A two day celebration is held over St Patrick's Day weekend. In Boston, Evacuation Day is celebrated as a public holiday for Suffolk County. While officially commemorating the British departure from Boston, it was made an official holiday after Saint Patrick's Day parades had been occurring in Boston for several decades, and is often believed to have been popularised because of its falling on the same day as Saint Patrick's Day. (Wikipedia)

A great day with great intentions!  Have a fabulous weekend mommies!

Vegatables are GOOD for you? WHO KNEW?

Like most of you out there I am always trying to be healthier. I exercise, try to eat right and lose weight. I also am addicted to documentaries on Netflix. Seriously it is almost an obsession. So watching a documentary called Fat Sick and Nearly Dead was right up my alley. The basis of this documntary is tha tthis guy is overweight, sick and tired of being overweight and sick. He realizes that the human body has the power, given the right tools, to heal it self. So with his doctors blessing he decides to drink only fresh veggie and fruit juices for 60 days. Yep that is right, TWO WHOLE months. The documentary follows him around during this time and guess what? He loses weight and gets off his medications. CRAZY right? My first thought was don't you need to eat actual food? But according to this not really. Veggies are actually good for you. And I mean raw veggies. Baked Potato, French fries, and collard greens ( Southern style) don't count. Of course I can't really believe that this could be good for you so I look up another documentary on my pal Netflix.

This one is called Food Matters.This has a bunch of Nutritionists,Doctors, scientists, and medical journalists talking about how sick people are today and how so many people in America are obese. Guess what? These guys think you can eat veggies and get well and lose weight too. They recommend raw foods. So if you have to chew, you can but again they say that our bodies are sick because we don't eat enough veggies. How much is enough? The numbers thrown around are if you are sick and overweight, 80% of your diet should be raw veggies. If you are healthy 51% or more. Now I don't know about you, but I would say that I eat ALOT of veggies and I don't even come close to the 51%.

So as crazy as this sounds, I am going to try to increase the veggie intake in my family. I as always will start with me. There may be revolt and rebellion in the ARMY but I have been weaning them off processed foods for a few years now. Lets see how well we do eating veggies.

What about you guys? How much veg does your family eat as a percentage of the total intake? How healthy are you? I would say that I am not healthy. I have only one kidney and have other problems as well. Now I know I won't grow another kidney, but if I could make the one I have the happiest healthiest kidney in the world that would be good. Right?